The Paradoxical Encounter Between the Shield and the Spear
by Lady Eldaelen
Summary: Everyone's favorite spies-for-hire take on their most challenging assignment yet: infiltrating the impenetrable Capsule Corporation to steal their tech secrets. Archer S6, DBZ post-Cell.
1. Chapter 1

**The Paradoxical Encounter Between the Shield and the Spear**  
 **Lady Eldaelen**

* * *

. O .

"And here's all the phone numbers you could possibly need, though if something comes up that you and Vegeta can't handle, we'll all probably be dead anyway."

"Bulma!"

"What? Sweet Kami, you know it's true, Chi Chi."

"The last thing I want to leave Gohan thinking about is the end of the world!"

"Not like it wouldn't be the first time."

Chi Chi gave a strangled grunt of exasperation that Bulma waved off with a chuckle.

"Come on now, we're going to be late," Bulma's mother interjected. "Gohan will do just fine."

Bulma planted another kiss on the boy in her arms before handing him over to the lanky teen blushing deeper with every remark. He gently unfurled the grip baby Trunks immediately seized on his hair, while his mother settled his brother in the playpen they'd set up in the Briefs' den. Chi Chi then enveloped her oldest in a hug before gathering her suitcase and coat.

"We'll be back at the end of the week."

"Bye, dears," Dr. Briefs replied absently from his spot on the couch, not quite looking up from the paper he was reading. "Enjoy yourselves."

"Do try to remember to eat," his wife called back.

* * *

. O .

"In a car this high-tech, you'd think they'd packed snacks somewhere," Archer groused from the driver's seat as he sped across the open rocky desert.

"It's a rental, Archer," Lana pointed out from the passenger's seat.

"A rental air car! We're flying in a freaking air car a hundred feet off the ground! Why doesn't everyone _everywhere_ have these yet?"

"Isn't that the whole reason for this mission?" Ray asked from the back seat.

A gently patterned ping sounded. As unassuming as the noise was, by the sixth repeat, everyone was frowning.

"Archer-"

"What, Lana?! I'm driving-"

"Are you going to answer the damn phone?"

 _Ping ping ping!_

 _Ping ping ping!_

 _Ping-_

"Is that what-"

"YES!"

Archer started fiddling with the knobs and buttons on the unfamiliar dash.

 _Ping ping ping!_

"Oh, for the love of-" Ray exclaimed, reaching through the gap in the first row to flip a switch and press a few buttons. "This thing is more like a plane. I told you I should have been the one to drive."

A head's-up video display popped on and with it the ceasing of the alarm. Malory Archer's face filled up the dash, larger than life-sized, every worry line and crease in her frown rendered in high-def detail.

* * *

. O .

"God dammit, Cyril, how did you get to drive?!" Pam groaned from her spot in the passenger's seat.

"Because I've got the highest aggregate scores in the simulators- AND the least number of points on my license," Cyril shot back.

"But this thing drives like a damn dualie," Pam argued. "And in my life _before_ drift racing for the Yakuza, I went from crawling to racing one of those in the pastures before I learned how to ride a bike!"

"Why are we even here instead of at the spa with Lana anyway?!" Cheryl yelled from the back seat.

"Because I'm here as an actual field agent," Pam explained, not for the first time that day, "and since this plan will most likely go tits up, you're here as the wild card."

"But why do we have to be all undercover to Mr. Archer and Ray and Lana, too?"

"So when they get cockblocked by the… whatever crazy-ass security they run into, we can jump in as the sneak attack second wave."

"Oh, God, I'm going to die at the hands of some foreign nightmare and Lana's not even going to know I was attempting to be brave!" Cyril moaned.

"Look on the bright side. If it goes to plan, at least you'll last longer than Archer."

* * *

. O .

"Mother, we haven't been gone a full day yet."

" _With the time change you have."_

"God, Mother, haven't you heard of relativity? We can't be held accountable for your perceived reference frame of time."

"Which is endless and predates the dinosaurs-" Ray muttered under his breath.

" _What was that, Ms. Gillette?"_

"Nothing, honey, your hair looks great!"

" _Oh, stuff it. Lana, darling, are you sure it's wise to have Abbiejean with you?"_

"Malory, we've been over this. AJ is, if anything, safer with me than anyone else, barring having Woodhouse watch her."

Archer, Ray, and Malory all looked at her doubtfully. From behind Archer, Abbiejean giggled in her carseat.

"Fine!" Lana relented. "Honestly, I actually just prefer her with me."

"Besides, Mother," Sterling emphasized, "you said Lana's targets are holing up at that fancy hotel spa. She deserves some relaxation time. I mean, of course, after everything goes off without a hitch."

"Good god, man, did you even open the intel file?"

"No! Ray! You know dossiers get in the way of my process-"

" _Sterling, dear, you might want to read this one."_

"Please, Mother."

" _All right,"_ Malory conceded, perhaps realizing the futility of her request. She took a sip of her scotch instead. _"But I wish you'd at least let Ray drive."_

"See?!"

"Oh, sorry- there's some- interference with the connection-" Archer lied, cutting off the feed.

AJ gave another gurgle of delight and waved at the space where Malory's head had been.

Another moment of silence passed as the three adults exchanged looks. Then Archer narrowed his eyes and,

"Shut up! Both of you!"

* * *

. O .

* * *

Notes: I shotgunned the entirety of Archer on Netflix a couple of months ago. This nonsense came out three days before I started a writing class last month. It could probably be a long one-shot, but fiddling with the missing bits of this story is hindering my focus to write for the class. These chapters are going to be short and ridiculous.


	2. Chapter 2

. O .

Gohan's mother had sorely needed the break that arrived in the form of a last-minute invite to some sort of spa retreat with Bulma and her mother, but the only way she'd agree to joining was if Gohan promised that he'd watch the boys and keep up with his schoolwork. He understood that Vegeta was Vegeta and Dr. Briefs was on the flighty side so close to another breakthrough in his work. Gohan didn't mind playing babysitter. His brother still took enough naps that the time he had two active babies to tend to was minimal.

While he studied, Gohan kept one eye on on Goten, currently asleep in the playpen, and another on Trunks as the boy played with Dende-knew-what random assortment of parts and tools Bulma thought appropriate as toys. These first few hours were probably a good indicator of how the rest of the week was going to play out, with Vegeta holed up in the gravity room and Dr. Briefs wandering in and out of his lab with no discernible rhyme or reason.

He felt the gravity room's dampeners power down and Vegeta passed through a few minutes later. The den opened up to the kitchen and while the prince didn't overtly ignore him, not a word was exchanged between them. Trunks abandoned his toys to follow the sounds as Vegeta fixed himself a snack, toddling on fairly balanced steps towards the kitchen.

Vegeta gingerly set Trunks in his high chair so he wasn't underfoot while he assembled a plate of sandwiches. Only slightly alarmed, Gohan set his book down when Vegeta placed half a sandwich in front of his son before taking a seat and starting in on his meal. But Trunks seemed to know what to do, picking apart the sandwich to eat alternating bites of bread and meat. Father and son shared the exact same expression as they focused on their meals, which amused Gohan to no end.

* * *

. O .

"Okay, Lana will tie up the heiress and her mother as blackmail collateral while we infiltrate the main stronghold…" Ray summarized as Archer pulled up into the sprawling entry area of an ornate hotel that put Tuntmore Towers to shame. He watched his partners ogle the architecture, gather up Lana's things, and generally ignore him, and sighed.

"Lana, this hotel has pretty good reviews for their private nannies," Archer said as he popped the trunk.

"How do you know-"

"I prepaid for one for AJ. Seriously, Lana, you better take advantage of the spa while you're here."

"Thanks, Archer, that was actually kind of thoughtful," Lana said, opening up the baby stroller Archer handed her before pulling out her bags.

"Abbiejean's going to get her first mani-pedi, isn't she?" Ray cooed to the baby as he extricated her from her car seat and handed her over to Lana.

"Thanks, Ray."

"Sherbet is this season's 'in' color. It'll look great with her skin tone," he advised before giving Lana the once over. "You'd look smoking hot with creamsicle."

"Don't get yourselves killed," Lana said with a grin.

"Call us if anything goes wrong!" Archer said, but she had already turned away to walk inside.

* * *

. O .

Not having Bulma around as a buffer brought an unfamiliar sort of calculated indifference to Vegeta. Gohan guessed it had something to do with the prince not wanting to lose face, while simultaneously not wanting to even appear that he cared. Polite wasn't the word, but his motions suggested he knew he was being watched. And Gohan couldn't help but take what was probably a bit too much enjoyment in doing exactly that as Vegeta went about dropping his plates in the sink with just the slightest hesitation before flicking on the water to not only rinse them but load them into the Briefs' giant dishwasher. He then proceeded to clean up Trunks and his mess, too, before picking up the boy and bringing him back to the den.

Gohan averted his gaze away from the rather unsettling actions of Vegeta in domesticity and back to his brother, who was waking up from a nap. The baby giggled and, spotting Gohan across the room, brightened with a smile. He pulled himself up a bit unsteadily, holding onto the thinnest sliver of a lip on the top of the playpen. Gohan noticed Vegeta's inaction, momentarily captivated by the sight in the playpen as well.

"Just wait," Gohan murmured, when it looked like Vegeta was going to actually stoop to asking a question.

With a couple of well placed swinging hits, Goten generated enough momentum to get the whole playpen to tilt, then rock, more and more until it pitched over on its side, taking the boy down with it. He emitted a gurgled cry of delight, crawled out, then got a tiny foot under the side to kick the pen upright once more. Free of his confines, Goten made a quick beeline to Gohan, eager to be picked up. Obliging, Gohan hefted his brother to his side, mirroring his bright smile.

"He doesn't do it when Mom's around," Gohan divulged at Vegeta's impressed grunt. "Grandpa said I used to do it, too."

Gohan caught a whiff of dirty diaper and headed for Trunks' nursery. He heard Vegeta follow, and for one moment he wondered if this was going to turn into a pissing contest for who could outdo the other in diaper changing. He was hoping to avoid any sort of pissing contests with Vegeta while he was here. But the prince simply watched Gohan clean up his brother, before doing the same to Trunks with more proficiency than he ever expected to see.

Post-diapering, Vegeta handed Trunks over to Gohan. After making sure he had a handle on both boys, Vegeta nodded once. "When they're asleep for the evening, we spar."

It wasn't quite a statement, but most definitely not a question. Gohan winced as Trunks grabbed a fist of his hair and coughed to keep from smiling before agreeing. "Sure, Vegeta."

And with his evening plans set, Vegeta returned to the gravity room. Gohan brought both boys back to the den, wondering how much trouble they'd get into together while he made dinner.

* * *

. O .


	3. Chapter 3

. O .

Son Chi Chi married an alien, birthed two half-alien children, and was widowed twice over by her thirtieth birthday. She'd seen and experienced enough to fill several lifetimes. Yet as with most experiences Chi Chi had when hanging out with Bulma, she suspended her fairly solid grasp of reality in favor of the altered reality the Briefs tended to subscribe to. Most people didn't stay in hotel rooms that were larger than the Sons' entire house, but the Briefs did. Most people didn't get private masseurs who came to their rooms, but the Briefs did. Most people didn't have the head chef of the hotel's five star restaurant present them with the dinner menu and personally take their orders to be delivered to their room after the massages, but the Briefs did.

The masseurs finished up and left as discretely as they'd arrived and Chi Chi couldn't remember the last time she'd felt such complete relaxation. Bulma was across the room, sipping champagne and eating one plump and perfect strawberry after another from a gold-plated bowl while flipping through an electronics catalog. Her mother had retreated to take a bath in her en suite, larger than Chi Chi's entire bedroom at home. Chi Chi herself lounged on the couch near the door, halfway between dozing and daydreaming of having her own masseur on call.

Bulma stretched out and wandered over to the bar area to refill her champagne. "You sure you don't want any, Chi?"

"I'll wait for dinner."

"Where is that room service, anyway?"

At that, a knock sounded at the door.

"Ah, not too bad," Bulma said with a wink. Chi Chi stood and stretched, readjusting the pale yellow, hotel-provided kimono that matched the sunny accents in the impeccably detailed room.

Bulma let the attendant in, a tall, shapely woman clad in the standard uniform Chi Chi had seen on all the hotel staff so far. She pushed a cart loaded down with fine china and serving ware and Bulma thought nothing about waving her in the direction of the table. But Chi Chi, perhaps unaccustomed to the lavish treatment or catching some other subtle clue, eyed the woman closer. Her movements were too sure, too intentional and not with the delicate touch the other attendants displayed. So it was as she finished setting the table, Chi Chi was watching. Internal alarms blazing, Chi Chi moved when the attendant did, yelling out a warning as she grabbed a pillow to throw at the woman when she pulled a gun.

Her aim held true and the pillow hit the gun enough to knock the first unexpectedly quiet shot aimed at Bulma off course. Chi Chi kept moving, grabbing a vase that she used to throw at the attendant. Undeterred, the woman dodged and changed her aim, letting off a couple more shots at Chi Chi. She sidestepped them with ease, they weren't bullets at all but some sort of dart, all the while drawing closer to the threat. Bulma had wisely taken cover, enough out of the line of danger for Chi Chi not to worry as she came within striking distance. The attendant gave her a slightly shocked look that she'd gotten so close unscathed, but didn't back down, even as Chi Chi knocked the gun away. The woman returned a not-wild punch, and a quick and not completely one-sided scuffle ensued.

"Ung!" The attendant groaned as Chi Chi nonetheless secured the upper hand, forcing her face tighter against the table and putting pressure on her now-dislocated shoulder, arms locked behind her back. "Ah…"

"What the hell do you want?" Chi Chi growled coldly. "Why are you threatening my friend?"

* * *

. O .

An hour into their spar, two hours after Trunks and Goten had dropped off to sleep, a wail pierced through the gravity room, knocking both combatants out of their concentrated focus. Vegeta's slip came in the form of missing Gohan's roundhouse and taking a clip on the shoulder that, in the enhanced gravity, sent him reeling to the ground. Gohan's focus broke as he came out of the maneuver, landing hard on his right foot.

Vegeta recovered first and killed the gravity, and they both waited in silence, staring at the vid screen monitoring the nursery that he'd turned on prior to the start of their spar. A held breath later and another cry.

Gohan hopped up, but putting weight on his foot brought a hiss of pain that caught Vegeta's attention. A third cry sounded, followed by the second baby joining in.

"It's okay, I got it," Gohan said before flying out and back towards the main building.

Vegeta cleaned up and secured the system amidst the boys' wails over the monitor. Just as he was finishing, Gohan entered, hovering over the crib. _"Shh… there now, you're okay, Trunks. It's alright, come on, let it all out."_

Vegeta snapped off the vid feed and powered down the rest of the room. He knew something was up the moment he got to the still-open outer door. The energies were all wrong.

"Holy shit, Ray! Was that a UFO?!"

The rustling and voices just beyond the hedge didn't hurt, either.

"Oh my god, will you shut up, Archer? We're on a freaking stakeout!" A second voice hissed in ever increasing volume.

"But what was that… that flying thing?"

"It looked like a person."

"A person whose feet never touched the ground."

"This place _is_ a tech goldmine."

"Levitation, Ray. Even Krieger can't pull that kind of shit."

"I wouldn't call Krieger the penultimate innovator of our time."

"Heh, penultimate fetishist, maybe."

"Shut up, I think I hear something."

Vegeta had to give it to them, when they did stop yapping, the pair of intruders blended into the environment much more believably. He carefully kept his movements causal and forced himself not to react to the tells they gave out as he retraced Gohan's path to the house. Once inside, he set the locks, then grinned all the way up to the bathroom to shower. The night just got far more interesting.

* * *

. O .

"I'm going to literally kill Cyril," the woman muttered under her breath. "He didn't have any intel on a female bodyguard."

Bulma emerged from her shelter with a laugh. "That's new. Damn, Chi Chi, you are a badass."

"Check her pockets," Chi Chi urged, but Bulma was already patting the woman down. She uncovered two more guns, a cell phone, knife, and even an extra clip of ammo tucked into her garter belt.

"Hmm… these aren't common here," Bulma said, dismantling the guns. "American?"

She emptied the chambers and pocketed the rounds before fiddling with the phone. "Oh yeah. Standard burner model."

Bulma checked her own phone. "Damn. No reception." She turned to the attendant, eyes narrowed in accusation. "Did you put a signal blocker up?"

The woman pursed her mouth and said nothing.

"Well, how many more are there of you?"

Still nothing.

"Oh, let her up, Chi Chi, dear," Bulma's mother said from her door. "They're more cooperative when they're not all… you know…"

"How often does this happen?" Chi Chi exclaimed, eyeing Bulma for consent that she agreed.

"I've lost track," Bulma said with a wave of her hand. "Though this might be the first time it's involved me since Trunks was born."

"We could go downstairs or just call the front desk, but they may have been compromised already," her mother added. "Best just to wait it out?"

Bulma nodded first at her mother, then more reassuringly at Chi Chi. "If there's something going down at home, Vegeta will show up after it's all over. He can't help himself."

* * *

. O .

Archer and Ray remained silent as a second figure sauntered quite normally to the main building. As soon as he entered, Ray stuffed his night goggles back in his bag and pulled out a contraption Krieger must have rigged up. Archer prepped for the next part of the mission by pulling out a flask from his own bag.

"Right, what next?"

"Cyril got hold of schematics for the air vents," Ray said. "There's an access point just beyond that section of trees."

They made for the building on light feet, stopping at a tiny grate set into the wall. Ray slid Krieger's device in one corner and in a couple of seconds, a little electronic chirp sounded, the gate popping open enough for Ray to pry his fingers underneath.

They just barely fit, sliding through on their stomachs. The crawl felt endless, but Archer didn't mind. Out of all of them, save Lana, Ray was the easiest to work with. The two didn't have the same chemistry as him and Lana, but they complimented each other. Or, at least, Ray let Archer be Archer without much fuss. Most of the time.

* * *

. O .

Goten quieted down with a bottle of water, succumbing to sleep as quickly as he'd been awakened. Trunks was still fussing, grouchy and obviously exhausted, but he refused to give into Gohan's gentle cradle when Vegeta entered the nursery, hair wet from a shower and the folded-up playpen in its travel bag slung over one shoulder. Trunks reached out with a small pout and Vegeta did relieve Gohan of the boy, but only to place him back in his crib. Trunks screwed up his face, on the verge of another fit, but Vegeta shot him a glare and with a firm "no, son," the baby stilled.

Vegeta set the playpen down and produced a roll of bandages, then pointed to the dresser and waited for Gohan to settle on it. He extended his foot with a wince. He'd been sparring barefoot, as usual, which meant he didn't have to worry about prying off a shoe, but it was already bruised and swelling. Vegeta inspected his foot from a few angles, probing with rough but intentional fingers.

"You displaced a few things."

"Yeah," Gohan agreed.

"Ready?"

"Go ahead."

With swift adjustments, Vegeta popped a couple of bones back into alignment then rechecked ankle movement. He then neatly wrapped Gohan's foot.

"Thanks, Vegeta," Gohan said once he was all patched up.

"Your mother would give me hell otherwise," he said offhandedly, picking up the playpen and Trunks and motioning for Gohan to do the same to his brother. "And don't thank me yet. Training's not over for the night."

* * *

. O .

"Holy shit snacks! They made it in!" Pam exclaimed as she surveyed Archer and Ray from the edge of the property line.

"Really? Wow. I didn't think that would work."

"Weren't you the one who dug up the intel on this place?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes, but- didn't you read the dossier?"

"Not all of it," Pam said with a snort.

"Literally no one who has attempted to infiltrate this place has succeeded. Archer has a better unintentional success rate than that."

"So… if they're taking the vents to the secret tunnel, where do we go?"

Cyril stood up and stretched, hefting his mission bag to his shoulder. "Through the front door."

* * *

. O.


	4. Chapter 4

. O .

Vegeta quickly outlined what was going on as they stalked the empty halls. Intruders on the property. Most likely after the doctor.

"What about Bulma?" Gohan asked tentatively. "If they're after Dr. Briefs, they might be after her, too?"

Vegeta paused in his trek, took a moment to consider his words, then continued on.

"Look, Gohan, this place gets attacked every other month."

"Really? I thought Bulma was joking about that."

"No. Humans are pretty stupid when it comes to learning from their mistakes," the prince replied.

"So you don't think Bulma's in danger?"

"Have you felt anything out of the ordinary from them?"

"No."

"Me neither. Once this threat is neutralized, I'll check in on them."

"But-"

"Bulma gets pissy when she thinks I'm being overprotective," Vegeta said with a sigh. "Besides, your mother is with her."

"What does that mean?"

"You don't get all your instincts from Kakarott."

* * *

. O .

"So where did all this come from, Chi Chi?" the Briefs heiress asked as she retrieved and examined Lana's dart gun from where it had landed under the couch. Next to her, her mother cleaned up the mess from the thrown vase.

"What?" The other woman said, distracted as she took up a spot in front of Lana, maneuvering her arm and massaging her muscles with more care than she expected. It hurt like a sonofabitch, but the woman clearly knew what she was doing. Lana gritted her teeth and bit back a cry as everything slid back into place.

"That… your fighting. _You,_ fighting."

"You do remember that I competed in a Budokai? And I met you on my own quest? And I married Goku?" She retorted.

"Yeah…?"

"I'm never going to match Gohan," Chi Chi said, retreating to one of the bedrooms and returning with a cheerful orange scarf, not quite as pastel as sherbet or creamsicle, but flattering nonetheless. Ray would have been proud. "But I have to stay in shape for when Goten gets older."

"What, to keep up with him?"

"To teach him."

"Teach him what?"

"Don't be dense, Bulma, dear," her mother replied. "Martial arts, of course."

Bewildered, the heiress stared at the other two woman. "But… you were so against it with Gohan."

"And look at how well that turned out," Chi Chi muttered. She deftly twisted the scarf into a sling, tying it up behind Lana's neck. "My philosophy has changed. I can't shelter them forever. They've got too much of their father in them to keep them out of…" she glanced uneasily at Lana, "it… at all. So if complete abstention isn't going to work, that leaves me with teaching Goten myself."

Bulma looked doubtfully at the other woman.

"I learned the Turtle style before Goku, you know," Chi Chi said a bit defensively. "My father taught me. I've not set a mastery test, but Goku said I could pass one easily enough, well, minus the energy attacks. Gohan's taught me a few things, too, though he's not entirely comfortable with sparring with me."

"Why's that?"

"Probably has something to do with the focus of all his training for… uh… the worst-case scenario? That's okay. Piccolo's been a good teacher. I can see why Gohan likes him so much."

"You train with Piccolo?"

"Yes, on occasion, when Krillin's busy."

Bulma blinked a few times, then snorted. She turned to Lana. "Lady, you never had a chance."

* * *

. O .

"Hey, listen, Archer," Ray said as they crawled further into the depths of Capsule Corp. "Since you're not going to read the dossier-"

"We've already established that-"

"You should know," Ray said louder, more insistent, "the shit this place has done. It makes your shenanigans' fallout, even just to me, look like paper cuts and stubbed toes. Whatever is in here, please take it more seriously than you usually do."

"Ray, I-"

"I know it's been different with AJ around -and it should be-"

"God, Ray, how poorly do you think this mission is going to go?"

"I just don't want AJ to have to lose her… genetic material donor-"

"Lana does acknowledge me as AJ's father-"

"Father, then, and her Uncle Ray on the same day. At least not before she's old enough to remember all the cool shit we've bought and taught her."

"That is… so… touching, Ray," Archer said, mostly sincere. A beat later he ruined the moment by asking, "How much longer?"

"Not much. There should be a connecting tunnel… just up ahead," Ray said. "Aha! Here!"

Ray straddled another grate in the floor of their vent, crawled past it, and somehow managed to turn around in their cramped accommodations so he and Archer were facing each other, the floor grate between them.

Archer had the electric screwdriver and he undid the four corners, pulling the grate up and away. In silence they checked their weapons, secured the rest of their gear. Ray nodded once to Archer.

"Okay," Archer said, "we head for the lab, find the doctor, get to his computer. You handle the info, I'll focus on the doctor."

"Will do," Ray said, grabbing the lip of the hole, readying to flip down, "I'll go first, this tunnel leads right to-"

* * *

. O .

Vegeta popped open a hidden door and passed into a space between the walls comfortably wide enough to be considered a hallway.

"Where are we?" Gohan asked uneasily, voice dropping into a whisper as he studied the dimly-lit, tunnel-like area that might have completely bisected the width of the building. He couldn't sense anything ki-wise outside of Vegeta and the boys.

"There's a lot of safety features built into the lab, including several shielded outlets that act as relief valves in case of explosions." Vegeta began. "Which makes them convenient side entrances to-"

"The doctor's personal lab," an unfamiliar voice finished as someone dropped down through an overhead vent right between them, facing Vegeta. "Oh, SHIT!"

"'Oh, shit,' what? Oh, SHIT!" another person exclaimed, dropping down behind his partner, facing Gohan.

For a split second, no one moved.

* * *

. O .

"Oh, HELL NO!" Vegeta roared, tossing Trunks over their heads to Gohan as the two intruders reached for guns.

Gohan jumped up to catch Trunks, who squealed with delight, and somehow managed to not wake Goten in the process. Gohan's eyes widened when he realized a gun was trained at him. The gunman's eyes widened when he registered that Gohan was floating a couple feet above the floor. Vegeta's eyes widened as he followed the sight's red light to the dot it made in Trunks' wispy hair, the boy tucked neatly against Gohan's chest.

"Ray!" Gohan's intruder yelled.

"God dammit!" Vegeta's intruder swore.

"Ray!" Gohan's intruder repeated louder.

"What! Archer, what?!"

"RAY!"

Vegeta's intruder snuck a glance towards his partner.

"Holy dukes! Ughn-"

Vegeta acted on the man's inattention, sweeping a hand at the gun with enough force to snap the barrel in half. His movement startled the man back into his partner, who discharged his own gun.

Vegeta saw red.

* * *

. O .


	5. Chapter 5

. O .

"Vegeta…"

"Do-ouble duk-es!" the one called Ray coughed, catching his breath from the hit to his solar plexus that Vegeta had landed before going after his partner.

"Vegeta, we're fine," Gohan said in a rough whisper.

Vegeta came to, connecting the words to their meaning. He dropped the unconscious trespasser he'd unleashed his wrath on, turning his attention to the boy standing a few paces back, eyes terrified but alert. A pink fluffy-ended dart stuck out of Gohan's neck but neither child in his arms appeared worse for wear. Vegeta plucked out the dart with one hand, examining the tip and giving it a sniff. He turned the second dart gun on the coughing man. "What is this?"

"Um…"

Vegeta shot a round into his fallen partner. "Do I have to ask again?"

"God! It's not poison if that's what you meant. But what exactly is in it, I honestly don't know."

"Ah, Vegeta?" the boy began, dropping to his knees before he lost control of himself completely.

"Dammit!" Vegeta shouted, taking the kids from Gohan's hold as he started to slacken and slump over. He maneuvered his loads around, and managed to stick a finger under the unconscious man's nose.

With a few well placed foot stomps he smashed all their gear after pocketing the other dart gun. "Your partner's breathing is compromised. He needs medical attention."

"Archer? That man is touched. Nothing will kill him."

Gohan let out a labored sort of laugh. "Vegeta, I'm going all numb," he slurred.

"To be expected."

"Trunks and Goten?"

"Are fine. Focus on staying awake."

* * *

. O .

"You wouldn't happen to have a Senzu on you, Chi Chi?"

"No, Gohan keeps track of our stash at home."

"Vegeta has ours, too."

The two women stared at Lana, frowns on both their faces.

"Nope, I can't even feel that sorry for you," the heiress said, ignoring the sharp _tut_ her mother responded with. "It has been ages since my last real vacation. And Chi Chi here has had the worst year out of all of us."

"I knew this was a bad idea. The last thing the boys need right now is to lose their mother, too," Chi Chi groaned. "This is a horrible time to saddle Krillin with two kids."

"Krillin?!"

Chi Chi froze. Then, with a measured sigh, she relented. "Yes, Krillin. He's the boys' custodian if anything happens to me."

* * *

. O .

Vegeta all but threw the playpen at Ray before placing each baby in his arms.

"You disturb one hair on their heads, they so much as hiccup, I'll do worse to you than I did to him," he threatened, gesturing to Archer's fallen form.

"Yes, sir."

"Good," Vegeta said, hefting the boy and Archer to his shoulders. "This way."

Despite the sudden turn in their plans, Ray couldn't help but breathe deeply, enjoying the heady baby scent from the boy sleeping heavily against his shoulder. He could do without the other one grabbing at his mustache, though. Ahead of him the compact figure of one of his targets-turned-threats cut a quick path through the dark hall, no sign of strain under his burdens.

The man's details from the mission dossier filled Ray's thoughts. Vegeta, one of the main Capsule Corp inhabitants and the most likely candidate for the violence inflicted upon trespassers. One glance at Archer's limp figure slung over the man's left shoulder, limbs jutting out at unnatural angles and blood dripping a trail to lead them back to their grate entrance, confirmed it. Still, the youth on his other shoulder and the two babies in Ray's arms were even more worrisome. Cyril hadn't mentioned any kids.

* * *

. O .

The heiress regarded her friend with dismay. "You know we'd be happy to take the boys if anything happened to you, Chi Chi."

"I know," the other woman said quietly. "But Piccolo's been Gohan's guardian since," she hazarded a glance at Lana, "he started training. And I assigned Krillin for both of them legally when Goten was born."

"But-"

"We're not city people, Bulma. The boys need open space and fresh air. I can't keep Gohan inside for more than a couple hours at a time as it is. Whenever we visit you or go into town, he disappears for at least a day after. Krillin's place is closer to what they're used to. If they ever needed to be put under someone else's care, the least I can do is make sure they're not going to feel suffocated and overwhelmed in a new environment, too."

Chi Chi sniffed once, then left Lana's side to stand next to the heiress.

"Our kids are always going to be in each other lives, Bulma, but I know how hard it is with one. Dropping two more on you, along with Trunks and your parents and the business and Vegeta… we were thinking about you, too."

Lana watched the heiress crumble, tears leaking out of her eyes. She threw her arms around the other woman, muffled sobs emanating from them both.

* * *

. O .

"Ooo-kay… I think we're lost," Cyril admitted as they looped around for the third time and ended back in the kitchen that was depressingly close to the door they'd entered.

"WHAT?!" Cheryl shrieked.

"Cyril, how the hell can you find some magical secret passage for Archer and Ray to use and get us lost walking in through the front door?" Pam asked, punching the flustered agent in the arm.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, rubbing the spot and backing up a few paces. "It's not my fault this house is built like a freaking maze!"

* * *

. O .

"Vegeta, what are you doing here- oh, my."

Ray followed Vegeta straight into their target location, Dr. Briefs' lab, and back to what looked like a medical area. The older man hurried after them, flipping on lights and machinery.

"You," Vegeta ordered Ray, "set up that playpen, get the kids in there, and go stand in the corner."

"Right…" he muttered low under his breath, "says the guy who lives in a house built on a series of circles. I haven't even _seen_ a corner yet."

"You know what I mean," Vegeta growled as he laid the boy and Archer out on separate exam tables and handed a clip of darts to the doctor.

By the time Ray had wrangled the playpen and babies, both Archer and the boy had oxygen masks and heart monitors. The doctor was hunched over a nearby computer screen, reading the ever-changing analysis.

"An unusual mix, to be sure, but the effects are typical for a knockout drug. This potency, though, is ridiculous. There's enough in here to fell an elephant. We need to keep an eye on that one," he replied, waving in Archer's direction just as alarms screeched from Archer's bed and his heart monitor flatlined.

An automated arm swung down from the wall and hovered over his chest.

"Clear," a soft, soothing automated voice announced.

"Clear," the doctor replied.

Ray took a reflexive step back as the arm pressed down on Archer's chest, just over his heart. Archer's entire body jolted.

On the other exam table, the boy, somehow still conscious, spared a worried glance at the scene unfolding next to him. At the repeated warning and another jolt.

"Hmm…" the doctor assessed as Archer's heart finally regained a more regular beat. "Damn. Bulma's going to be pissed that I ruined the surprise. Guess it can't be helped, she'd be more upset if you broke your promise -inadvertent though it'd be. Bring Gohan with you."

The doctor palmed a pad set into a blank wall. It slid up and out of the way, revealing another room. A large tank filled most of the space, bisected by a windowed hatch that was open, revealing a benched area inside.

Vegeta walked up to the machine, the boy in his arms. "What the…"

"It was going to be your birthday present."

"This is…"

"A regen tank, yes. Well, the closest we could come up with based on what Krillin and Gohan could remember. Bulma's been tinkering with the idea since you got here, but the biomedical technology just recently advanced enough to take it past design. Come on, I don't like his breathing without the oxygen. There's a mask in the tank."

Vegeta set the boy inside, quickly pulling off his shirt and pants and holding him upright while the doctor hooked him up to the supports. A few deft movements and Vegeta had the boy neatly tucked up on the bench. When the hatch sealed, it began filling up with fluid.

"It's set for… uh… you, Vegeta," the doctor said, glancing over at Ray momentarily, "but Gohan should match up close enough."

The doctor pulled a blood sample from Archer and set it in yet another analyzer.

"By the time his primer finishes synthesizing, Gohan's cycle should be over."

* * *

. O .

"Pam! What are you doing?!"

"Getting a snack, Cyril, what does it look like?"

"Do you maybe think it's not the smartest idea to take food from the place we're trying to infiltrate?"

"Archer doesn't pass a wet bar when he's on a mission without drinking at least two bottles and taking more for the road. Besides," Pam said, swinging open the fridge door so Cyril and Cheryl could see its more than ample contents, "I don't think they're going to miss a chicken leg."

"Holy-"

"Shit feasts, am I right?" Pam said with a laugh.

"How many people live here?" Cheryl asked.

"Only four," Cyril said, seriously doubting his sources, "I think?"

Pam reached in and pulled off another drumstick from one of at least a dozen birds crammed onto the shelves of the fridge. "You think they're having a party later?"

* * *

. O .


	6. Chapter 6

. O .

Archer was out cold, between the dart and the sheer trauma to his body. Nonetheless, Ray couldn't help but allow a tad more respect for the group as a whole when the doctor measured out a shot of painkiller for Archer before Vegeta began carefully setting his bones, or at least making sure his limbs were all oriented the directions they were supposed to point.

Most of what actually happened in the tunnel had been a literal blur. The man had moved so fast, at one point, Ray swore Archer remained upright by the sheer force of the hits he was taking. The scariest part had been the kid's reaction. His fear hadn't been for the level of violence he witnessed, no, Ray got the feeling the kid had seen it all before and was far more worried that Vegeta wasn't going to stop.

Ray studied the boy suspended in pale yellow fluid. His eyes were half-closed, heavily lidded, but even then, he was still following orders to stay awake as he occasionally scanned the room. Stripped down to a pair of boxers, Ray could plainly see a disturbing number of scars dotted on the youth's muscular frame. What Ray had initially mistaken for a gangly adolescent now solidified into a kid decades younger than him with a better body than anyone he knew active in the field. Ray longed for the remains of his mission bag, for the dossier inside. Maybe he had missed something. Surely Cyril hadn't overlooked a _second_ warrior-beast guard.

"Hmmm… the lad's progressing even faster than I expected," the doctor said, sidling up to Ray. Did the man have no brains? Didn't he realize they were supposed to be ransacking and pillaging from him?

"You're not going to try anything now, are you?" the doctor asked a bit disapprovingly. "I thought I'd pegged you as smarter than the average infiltrator."

Ray had the decency to blush. "Was I that transparent?"

"Son, when you've lived as long as I have with the best poker face around, you learn pretty quickly how to decipher even the most minute changes in body language."

From the tank, the boy huffed out a larger than normal burst of bubbles as he and the doctor shared a knowing look.

"Don't worry, son. You'll live through this night."

"Ray."

"Sorry?"

"My name is Ray."

"Well, then, Ray. Make yourself comfortable and we'll do what we can to get your partner that way, too."

A cheerful digital tune beeped out in major key and both Ray and the doctor turned their attention to the regen tank, now starting to drain. The boy inside was more fully alert and sitting upright under his own power. The doctor crossed over to a locker and unearthed a couple of towels and a robe before returning to key in a few commands on the device. The hatch hissed as its seal broke and opened just in time for Ray to catch a glimpse of the last of the fluid to get sucked down the internal drains. The boy pulled off the few sensors and oxygen mask he'd been fitted with and all but bounced out of the tank.

* * *

. O .

The two women finally pulled apart, a mess of lingering ugly cry faces that hinted at far more invested into the joint breakdowns than just Lana's botched attempted kidnapping. Mrs. Briefs handed each one a hanky and followed up with a doting hug. For a moment Lana thought she'd be next, but the older woman gave her a wide berth, crossing over to the opposite side of the table.

"Well, the salad's a lost cause, but everything else seems to have survived. Who's hungry?"

* * *

. O .

Gohan accepted the towel from Dr. Briefs, wiping dry from the regen tank's liquid.

"Thanks, sir."

"How do you feel, son?"

"Much better… uh…"

"Oh, here," Dr. Briefs said, passing him a fluffy robe before checking on the babies in the playpen. "He's safe to go change?"

Vegeta nodded. "Stay on alert."

Gohan unwrapped his foot, the injury in the gravity room already a distant memory, then took off back down the secret tunnel.

* * *

. O .

"Not to sound unprepared," Ray hedged as they stared at the door as the boy left the lab, "but who are all the kids?"

"This is my grandson," the doctor acknowledged, pointing to the baby with the wispy lilac hair that Ray only now noticed matched the color of the doctor's own bowl-cut locks. "Young Gohan," he nodded towards the door, "and his little brother here are family friends. They're staying with us while their mother is on retreat with…"

"Oh," Ray whispered, "damn."

The doctor's gaze narrowed, hardened, for the first time taking offense to the intrusion. "What else did your mission entail?"

From across the room, Ray felt Vegeta's presence intensify, like it'd been back in the tunnel. Ray raised his hands in peace. "She was supposed to detain only. Your wife and daughter. As collateral."

"As blackmail," Vegeta said, his voice pitched low.

"Our sources showed multiple attempts to infiltrate this place with varying numbers of inhabitants present. No one had tried a simultaneous attempt at dealing with the others offsite, too."

"I'll give you points for creativity," the doctor allowed. He turned to face Vegeta. "Maybe I miscalculated my assumptions."

"Unless Bulma is coming into the terms now as well."

"Hm… I thought she already was." And then the doctor shook his head and walked back to his desk and continued on with his work as if he hadn't been interrupted with a critically injured trespasser and a siege on his house in the first place.

Vegeta crossed his arms and leveled Ray with a death glare that under normal circumstances would have left him either properly afraid or laughing. But instead he examined his captor and felt a dissonant tinge of arousal. Stupidly, he covered it with a wink.

Vegeta rolled his eyes and pointed at the doctor's grandson. "That one's mine."

Ray's eyes widened briefly, the attack on Archer suddenly making a whole lot more sense. He fought against the wave of lightheadedness at how close he'd come to dying this time and sighed. "Story of my life."

"It's going to sound like I'm lying when I say I'm flattered," Vegeta said, "but…"

"Ouch," Ray replied as his words sunk in. "Mmm… I can almost see how Cheryl enjoys that sort of thing. Dammit, Ray, pull yourself together! You're on a job!"

"The consummate professional, I'm sure," Vegeta snarked.

* * *

. O .

"Damn!" Lana exclaimed, jarring her arm while trying and failing to eat the lobster in front of her one-handed.

The woman who'd taken her down, patched her up, then introduced herself as Chi Chi before they started sharing a meal furrowed her brows. "I'm really sorry about-"

"I can honestly say no hard feelings," Lana interrupted. "You rightfully had the upper hand and, well, most of my targets don't offer to foot the bill for dinner and drinks afterwards. Or during."

"Stranger things have happened, I'm afraid," Mrs. Briefs replied, topping off her champagne.

The door banged open, revealing an irate and entirely too sober Malory Archer, Abbiejean in her arms.

"Lana Kane! What the hell is my granddaughter doing with some third-class, poor excuse of a nanny who couldn't keep me from absconding with her?"

* * *

. O .

"Finally! A new land mark. I swear, Cyril, this mapping system of yours is terrible."

"No, wait! This actually lines up to my map. The main lab should be… yes! Just down that hall and to the left."

"You've said that like ten times already."

"Well this time I'm sure of it. I'll bet you my cut of the mission."

"I'll take you up on that."

"So what's the plan?"

"Nothing has worked in the past," Cyril said, rummaging in his bag for two dart guns, which he cocked and brandished before breaking into a run, "so I was just going to for-" he took the first left, "SUPPRESSING FIRE!"

* * *

. O .


	7. Chapter 7

. O .

" _Dammit, Cyril!"_

At the sound of Pam's voice Ray looked over to the door, alarmed, as Cyril barged in, dart guns blazing. The effect was fairly weak even for his low bar, especially considering every single shot was knocked to the ground in one fluid succession of blocks from Vegeta. He followed, no, somehow managed to get ahead of Cyril's wide aim as he sprayed the room across one side and back again. Dr. Briefs didn't even look up, concentrating on whatever he'd been doing before they'd interrupted.

"Triple dukes," Ray said with a sigh.

" _Well that plan sucked,"_ Cheryl's voice sounded from beyond the lab entry. _"What next?"_

" _Bum fighting melee!"_ Pam screamed, rushing the entry to take a swing at Vegeta, who was calmly relieving Cyril of his empty guns.

"What the hell is your problem?" the flame-haired man yelled back, dropping the guns to deftly grab one of her fists before blocking a punch to his side and flipping her around to trap both hands behind her back. "There are children sleeping in here!"

"Damn, you're crushing my money makers," Pam coughed. "What, did Krieger outfit you with robot arms, too?"

 _"SHUT UP!"_ Vegeta roared.

The simultaneous cries of two babies followed.

"Ow!" Pam reacted as the grip on her arms tightened further.

Ray took a step back, all but literally washing his hands of the whole mess. "Wasn't me."

* * *

. O .

Gohan was wrapping up a quick detour through the kitchen after pulling on some dry clothes when he heard a commotion coming from the direction of the lab. He ran through the empty halls and shoved the tray he'd put together into the arms of the woman by the door before entering, quickly assessing the situation. Trunks and Goten screaming bloody murder from the playpen. Vegeta holding another woman with careful restraint, both red in the face. A nervous, bespectacled man with more dart guns laying at his feet, darts all around. The man who'd carried the boys to the lab leaning casually against the now-full and humming regen tank holding his partner. Dr. Briefs in the zone at his desk.

"Gohan," Vegeta said slowly, "the boys."

"Oh, right." He zipped over to the playpen and frowned. Both of them were equally in meltdown mode. Gohan picked up Trunks first, taking him over to Dr. Briefs. The scientist didn't notice anything until Trunks let off a particularly grating wail right in his ear.

"Now someone sounds upset, oh," he said, finally breaking away from his work to survey the lab, "more company?"

Goten gave another cry and Vegeta rolled his eyes. "Can you…"

"Oh, right. Of course." Dr. Briefs took his grandson and Gohan hurried back to attend to his brother.

"Why am I holding a bunch of roasted chicken and rice?" exclaimed the woman from the hall as she wandered in.

"Sorry about that," Gohan murmured, situating Goten to free one hand so he could take his tray from her. At the confused and disbelieving looks from the adults present, he offered an explanation. "Uh… I was hungry? And Dr. Briefs hasn't eaten yet?"

Vegeta rolled his eyes as Gohan's stomach growled. Beside the prince, the stomach of the woman he was restraining also audibly turned.

"Oh, for the love of- Pam! How can you be hungry?!"

"Yeah, you already ate half the fridge!"

"It was one drumstick!"

"Two drumsticks!"

"You people are by far the worst infiltrators yet," Vegeta remarked dryly.

* * *

. O .

"Malory?!" Lana exclaimed, jumping up from the table with a wince, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Rescuing you, apparently," Said the older woman who'd burst through their door before making a beeline to the wet bar to rummage through its contents.

"With my daughter in tow? Are you insane?"

"There hasn't been any complaints about disturbances so either you hadn't started or you royally screwed the pooch-"

"Again with the AJ in your arms?"

"I was in the neighborhood and-"

"Bull-freaking-shit."

"I hitched a ride with Krieger," the woman relented, as Lana took the baby from her. "There's some convention nearby that he claims he's taking his 'wife' to."

She pulled out a bottle of Glengoolie Blue, cracked it open, and took a long pull straight from the bottle. "Please don't make me elaborate, I already had to take one shower to feel clean after hearing his graphically detailed explanation."

"Fair enough."

"So," Malory said, next uncovering a glass and some ice and pouring herself a proper drink. "How much is its going to take for you to forget this whole thing?"

Bulma stared blankly at the older woman. "Good grief. Is this what I look like?" she asked Chi Chi.

"Huh?"

"When I have to clean up after our husbands?"

"Oh, not really. You're a little friendlier."

"Hey!"

"Thank the moderately benevolent Kami," Bulma said with a sigh. She crossed her arms and pulled her best Vegeta scowl. "This is going to take a little more than a check to forget, lady."

"I'm sure we can work something out."

* * *

. O .

"Oh, you weren't around for some of the Red Ribbon attempts," the doctor said with a chuckle. "Son, why don't you go get a couple of bottles for the boys and some more food for everyone else? They still have some time for their friend."

"Huh?" Cheryl asked.

"He's talking about Archer," Ray said as Gohan nodded, set the tray of food down on an empty lab bench, and disappeared back into the house again.

"Yeah, where is Archer?" Cyril questioned.

"Over here."

Cheryl and Cyril ran to Ray's side, examining Archer in his liquid prison.

"Come on, man, point made," Pam groused. "You've got the most machismo out of everyone in the room. Would ya mind letting me go so I can gape at whatever Archer's gotten himself into with the rest of my coworkers?"

Vegeta twisted his grip and Pam moaned. "Uh, okay, got it. I'll just stay here."

"What the hell happened to him?" Cheryl exclaimed.

"He pointed a gun at my son," Vegeta said simply.

"What? Archer? No way."

"Yeah, that doesn't sound like Mr. Archer. At least not since he's gone all 'protective dad' with AJ."

"We weren't expecting to run into kids, Cyril!" Ray pointed out. "This is your fault!"

"My fault?!"

"You gathered the intel."

"Malory only gave me two hours to- You know, this is all _her_ fault for assigning us this stupid, fruitless mission in the first place."

"But what happened to him?" Cheryl asked.

"He shot the gun."

"Wait, what?"

"Now that really doesn't sound like Archer."

Cyril, Pam, and Cheryl all looked to Ray.

"It's all true," he said, unable to contain a snigger. "And Archer got his ass handed to him. Like, really, it was the most satisfying display of violence I've witnessed in a while. Limbs snapping like twigs, blood spraying, too bad he passed out after the second hit because…"

Cheryl shuddered. "Uh…"

"Sploosh," Ray finished, agreeing with an appreciating glance to Vegeta.

"Ew," Pam said.

"Um," Cyril asked with a cough, "if Archer is as bad off as you described, should we maybe get him to a hospital or something?"

"Nah. Your intel on their tech innovations surprisingly happens to be spot on. This thing should have him fixed up in…"

"Half an hour?" The doctor guessed, taking a bottle from the newly returned teen.

"So," Pam asked from her spot still stuck in Vegeta's hold, "how's about we take that break for dinner?"

* * *

. O .


	8. Chapter 8

. O .

"Ahaha! Damn, Ray, that must be a slap in the balls for you. All the times Archer paralyzes you and the one time he gets hurt as bad, he'll be fine in under an hour."

Ray grunted, irritation and agreement on his face as Pam laughed and sprayed the lab-turned-impromptu-dinner table they were seated around with chewed up chicken and rice. No one batted an eye, his coworkers and targets alike.

"Wait, paralysis like… literally or figuratively?" Gohan asked cautiously around his own mouthful of food, chopsticks hovering over his second half-empty bowl.

"Literally," all three of his so-called friends replied.

"But how…" the kid asked, some of his wariness dropping in favor of slight curiosity.

Vegeta, on the other had, frowned even deeper. He had refrained from eating and had been, until then, leaning up against the wall near the playpen. He took a step towards Ray, but Dr. Briefs closed the gap faster, already standing up from his spot at the head of the table and hurrying to his side, eyeing him with a less manic eagerness than Krieger that was still nonetheless slightly terrifying.

"How long ago was this? Where was your injury? What was your treatment?"

"Ha! Which time?" Pam retorted.

"Do you mind?" Dr. Briefs asked, hands reaching out.

"A little bit, yes," Ray said pushing back from the table a pace, only to have Vegeta block him in from behind.

"Just a noninvasive scan?" the doctor bargained.

Vegeta grabbed one of Ray's shoulders and he could feel his bones grind together as the grip tightened. "Okay! Okay! Hey, now, I've been nothing but compliant since… uh, the beginning of this fiasco."

"So let's keep it that way."

With a glare that all but cemented the others to their seats at the table, Vegeta led Ray to Gohan's empty exam table and pushed him up on it. Another device fired up above him, and the doctor murmured appreciatively.

"Full skeletal replacement from the pelvic girdle down, right forearm and hand as well."

"Is he a…" Gohan asked, drawing up alongside the doctor, voice pitched low.

"Android?" the doctor finished, giving the boy a reassuring smile. "No. Doesn't appear to be that extensive. Heart, lungs, brain, those are all unaffected. Oh? What's this?"

Dr. Briefs typed in some code and pressed a button.

"What? Uh, goddamn! What the hell did you do?" Ray exclaimed as he lost all sensation in his legs and right hand.

"The shielding around these power supplies are substandard. And having a wireless connection open to them is just a liability. There should be no need for external controls like that," the doctor mumbled to himself, studying the scans and typing furiously at his station. He flicked a switch and Ray's feeling slowly returned. "What's the maintenance on these? Do you have any? Everything aside from the shoddy electrical appears well built."

The doctor rummaged around in what looked like a junk drawer and pulled out a small metal enclosure no bigger than a deck of cards.

"I could upgrade them if you want. Get rid of the security flaws, too. Micro-nuclear driven power supply. Hardened against solar flares, EMIs, and high ki attacks. Guaranteed for a hundred years."

"How the- what the- why do you have something like that lying around?"

"Why _wouldn't_ I have something like this lying around?" Dr. Briefs countered with a wink.

* * *

. O .

"Malory, how in the world did you even know which room AJ was in?" Lana asked, bouncing the girl awkwardly on her hip.

"Sterling used my Black Diamond card to reserve the nanny."

"Why am I not surprised?" Lana sighed.

"I don't understand how he could possibly surprise you at all. Ever."

"And I don't understand how you think Krillin is a more suitable guardian than we are!" Bulma exclaimed, the cooled-down ire at her friend flaring back up with vigor.

"Yes, because it's such a stretch to want to keep my kids away from the man who _actively tried to kill us all!_ " Chi Chi hissed.

"That was years ago!" Bulma shouted.

"I know that!" Chi Chi countered even louder. "They _are_ both at your house right now!"

"Wait, who's where now?" Lana cut in, as she and Malory both took a greater interest in the others' conversation.

* * *

. O .

"Are you sure he's not an android?" Gohan asked again as they all examined Ray's backside. Not a single scar marred his skin, certainly nothing that could explain how his lower half was as packed full of machinery as Dr. Briefs' scans showed.

"What happened to the hand?"

"Giant carnivorous plant," Ray said. "Oh, the coloring? Krieger said it was all he had lying around. I didn't lose my legs, he just replaced the bones and things…"

"There's no delineation in the texture of the skin, no pulse, obviously, but the reflexes appear normal. Any changes in performance? Dexterity in the hand, speed or endurance or strength in the legs?"

"Running's easier, in a sense, but I still get winded eventually," Ray tried to glance behind him, but didn't really have a good view of what was going on. "So how long is this going to take?"

"You'll be done before your Mr. Archer there."

"Bullshit."

"Not to doubt you, sir," the boy agreed, "but, well, that's pretty optimistic even for you."

"I was going to give this to Krillin to try next time I saw him, but this test case will work fine," Dr. Briefs replied, holding up a syringe of deep green liquid. "I used it on myself first, of course, but not on anything past a really deep paper cut. I'm afraid I'm a bit squeamish when it comes to my own injuries."

"What is it?"

"Just fooling around with Senzu extracts and uh… accelerated healing genes."

"Do you want me to try-"

"No, you'd probably throw the curve off. It's really formulated for full humans."

"Oh, okay."

"Wait! _What?!"_

"So what do you say?" the doctor asked Ray, a bright smile on his face.

"Hold on there. When you say full humans… do you mean you interact with people who aren't…" Ray trailed off, as Gohan fidgeted in his spot, and the other man just on the edge of his peripheral vision crossed his arms.

The doctor cleared his throat and lit a cigarette. "My son-in-law isn't, how should we put this… from around here?"

"Oh, just tell him, it's not like he's going to take it at face value," Vegeta said.

"When I say 'not from around here,' I mean… not local to this solar system."

"Haha. That's rich," Ray chuckled, but the other three merely glanced at each other. "You're not kidding."

"No, son."

"I mean, you over there all broody in the corner, you give off this hot as hell, predatory, man-eater vibe, but I kinda thought that was just me-"

Vegeta pinched the bridge of his nose, like he was feeling the same headache settling in behind Ray's own eyes.

"But why aren't you freaking out?" Ray shot at Gohan. The boy shrugged. "You're one, too?"

"Only half," he replied, a bit self-consciously.

Across the room, the dinner table had fallen uncomfortably quiet. Then, tentatively, Pam asked, "Did you guys spike this food with something? Because I think we're all hallucinating a conversation about aliens right now."

* * *

. O .


	9. Chapter 9

. O .

"You're telling me there's three _children_ at Capsule Corporation right now?" Malory asked, worry lines gathering in the furrow of her brow.

"My husband, father, _son_ , and Chi Chi's two boys, yes," Bulma counted off on her fingers, irritation creeping into her voice.

Mrs. Briefs pulled out a few wallet-sized pictures and passed them over to Malory. She then wiggled her fingers in front of AJ, cooing as the baby gurgled back.

"Would you mind, dear?" she asked Lana. "I love my grandson and Goten's a delight, but it's been ages since I've gotten to dote on a little girl. And she's just a doll, yes she is!"

"I'm going to kill Cyril!" Malory exclaimed after she shuffled through the pictures. She all but threw them at Lana, then refilled and drained her drink again in one fell swoop. "Literally!"

"Uh- Malor- sure, here," Lana didn't so much pass AJ over as release her hold, since AJ was halfway in Mrs. Briefs' arms already, just as delighted as the older woman. "Malory, you only gave him two hours to gather intel! Archer takes longer to pack his toiletries!"

"How did you know that?"

"Which part? Witnessing the neurotic packing tendencies of your son before every single mission or listening to Cyril complain the entire time he handed out the dossiers before this trip?"

"Well," Malory scoffed, "we had a deadline to make."

Bulma smacked the table with an enraged fist. "What the hell is going on at my house?!"

* * *

. O .

"No, I'd be crazy to actually operate," Dr. Briefs reassured Cheryl with a chuckle. He shot Ray with a syringe full of something bright orange and unnatural looking before returning to his computer console. "My degrees are in physics and engineering, chemistry, material science, robotics… not medicine."

"So how's Ray… oh…"

A shimmery glow flashed down from the ceiling around Ray's exam table. The multipurpose robotic arm that saved Archer's life popped open like a Swiss army knife, revealing a laser cutter. The entire room looked on with varying degrees of morbid curiosity as Ray was sliced open and dug through.

Ray himself registered his nerves numbing, but whatever the doctor had slipped him was amazing at preventing him from feeling or caring about anything, ever again. Ray remained just lucid enough to notice the boy in his line of sight, head cocked slightly to the side like he was listening for something. Every so often he'd glance over at Ray directly and the slightest of tensions would ease off his face. The boy was talking now, quite possibly at him, but Ray couldn't make out the words. And then the shimmer dropped, sound doubled, and the doctor approached him with another wicked long needle.

"Amazing," he heard Cyril say as a soothing warmth enveloped him from toes to scalp. As the heat dissipated, his focus returned, senses sharpening like he'd been dosed with a shot of adrenaline.

"Any time you're ready, son," the doctor allowed.

Ray flipped to his back and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, and barely kept himself from jumping up and running around the room. The doctor handed him a robe, Pam his clothes, and the group parted a path to a bathroom at the back of the lab.

* * *

. O .

"This doesn't feel right, they should have checked in by now," Lana muttered, popping another pain pill Malory had produced from her handbag.

"I haven't heard from the musketeers either."

"Oh no, Malory! You did _not_ send them here!"

"They would have snuck over somehow anyway!"

"Malory!"

"Krillin!"

"No matter how many times you say his name, my answer's not going to change, Bulma."

Lana and Malory paused in their own tiff as the other women continued theirs.

"But-"

"Do you think that I didn't seriously consider you? Do you think I don't wonder what sort of influence that old pervert and sorry excuse for a pig would have on my kids? For all that Vegeta's a hard-ass, at least I know the boys would be kept in line and properly mannered with you. And the Kais above know you've got the money to take care of them, keep them fed and schooled and… trained. They'd have every opportunity available to them!"

"What about your father, hon?" Mrs. Briefs asked quietly.

"Please. Dad goes down for a nap _with_ Goten when he visits. He's great with the kids in short doses, but I remember what I got away with when I was younger and there is no way he'd be able to keep up with them full time."

"So why not-"

"Once a week," Chi Chi interrupted. "After Cell, Krillin came over once a week. He pulled Gohan out of his funk - something Piccolo and I hadn't even managed to do. When he found out I was pregnant, he read baby books and cooked us dinners and practiced diapering dolls with Gohan. He stayed longer than my father did after Goten was born - he and Gohan fought over who would take the midnight feedings. Literally. And Gohan didn't win them all. Krillin was there, Bulma. He _offered_ to be the boys' custodian. No one else did."

The woman sighed, defeated, and flopped down on the couch by the door, the first time Lana saw her guard drop. "I'm sorry, Bulma, but this has been a little too much. I'm not used to attempted kidnappings and I'm not sure I _want_ to get used to them, so if it's okay with you I'd really just like to give my boys a hug. If you want to stay, I can call kinto- I can call a cab."

* * *

. O .

Ray returned to the lab to find the whole group surrounding the regen tank. The doctor motioned him over. "The dart seems to have flushed out of your Archer's system, but he's a bit disoriented. Can you try calming him down? There's still a few minutes left to go."

Gohan was on the periphery of the crowd again, between his friends and the playpen. Ray noticed Vegeta had also moved, but was acting more like an escort to the doctor. All he needed was sunglasses and an earpiece. Ray's mind wandered again, picturing the man in a perfectly tailored black suit. And, again, said piece of exemplary man meat knocked him out of his daydream with an eyebrow of incredulity and a nod towards Archer.

"Dammit, Archer!" Ray muttered, drawing up to the tank. Ray knelt down, paused as it hit him that less than ten minutes ago he'd been flayed open like a fish, and stood up again.

"Huh," He said, hand reaching for the small of his back where he'd already checked in the bathroom was unmarred and perfect, along with a black hand and arm that was likewise as pristine. He did a couple more squats, trying to feel any sort of change from an hour ago, a day ago, but couldn't sense a lick of difference.

Archer watched him from inside the tank, intently enough to pause the handsy reaching to break out that he'd been doing before. They locked eyes when Ray stopped in a crouch and he caught the confusion and growing irritation in his partner's glare.

"Is he always so combative?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," everyone answered.

"But in this case, it's more warranted," Ray added. "He drowned a couple of years ago."

"Oh yeah!" Pam exclaimed. "I forgot about that. It does explain a lot."

"Like, _almost_ drowned?" Gohan asked.

"No. Literally. Intentionally," Cyril said with a sigh.

"Archer. You're okay. You're safe," Ray said close to the glass, so Archer could hopefully understand.

"How did he-" Gohan started then stopped, slightly baffled. The kid himself was a walking contradiction in about fifty different ways and he was getting tripped up over an intentional drowning? Ray almost laughed.

"We were in a deep sea research lab that was getting ready to implode and were one wetsuit short for the team to escape," Cyril explained. "It's a long story, but Archer let Lana take the last- OH MY GOD! What is going on with Lana?! Have you guys heard from her?!"

Ray groaned as Archer's eyes widened when he registered Cyril's words. A mass of bubbles exploded from his mask and it nearly dislodged as Archer tried to chime in.

"God dammit, Cyril! Calm down! Archer, you too! You're still healing you giant idiot!" Ray exclaimed, slapping the tank window. "Don't you remember what happened?"

Archer's frantic reactions stilled while he actually tried to think. He quirked one eyebrow, split skin healed over but with a bare thin line where the hairs had been disturbed, and wiggled his hand, palm flat.

"We were in the tunnel? Ran into our targets early?" Ray prompted. "You shot at the kids?"

At that, Ray knew he remembered. Even in the tank and actively supercharged to heal, Archer paled.

"They're all okay. Don't worry," Ray reassured. "And you will be, too, just hold on a few more minutes."

Archer quirked one last questioning gaze at Ray. "You shot at the kids, Archer. Be lucky you're not dead."

And with his job done, Ray stood up and stepped away from the tank, just enough to command his own protective position between the two warriors and the rest of his own team, flimsy a posture though it was.

"So…" Cyril said, more collected if not exactly calmed, "what's that about Lana now?"

"Not sure," Ray replied. "Between our broken gear and the blockers she managed to set up, we haven't made contact with her or the targets at the spa."

"Vegeta here will go check on them once your Archer is out," the doctor added.

"No need. They'll be here shortly," Vegeta said.

* * *

. O .


	10. Chapter 10

**. O .**

With no further explanation as to how Vegeta knew the ladies were on their way other than an agreeing head bob from Gohan, the doctor again returned to his work. Everyone else drifted back over to the food, all except Vegeta, who returned to guard the playpen. Ray passed Archer a bowl of his own which he eagerly accepted and for a while the group ate in weirdly comfortable silence.

"Okay, I have to ask," Archer finally worked out, waving his chopsticks towards Gohan. "Do I know you from somewhere?"

It took the boy a moment to even register Archer was talking to him, his face slowly flushing with embarrassment. "I don't think so."

"You ever been to Borneo?"

"Huh?"

"No, that's not it. How about… Hmm… No, not Gstaad or the Wharf… ah! Have you ever been in a Budoukai?"

"What?"

"A, uh... World Martial Arts Tournament?"

"Me?!" Gohan coughed. "No, not exactly. My parents have competed, though-"

"That's it! You've got to be related to Son Goku, aren't you?" Archer exclaimed, eyes and smile wide, almost giddy at Gohan's very tiny but affirming nod. "Oh man, I took down a Son? God, high school me has such a boner right now."

Across the table, Pam choked on her chicken and rice, pounding a fist against her own chest until she could take a full breath. "Holy shit snacks! This kid is a Son?!"

"How do you possibly know or care about anything related to Kakarott?" Vegeta drawled, narrowing his eyes slightly, though he made no further move.

"To who?" Archer asked.

"My senpais, you know, when I got into bum fighting," Pam replied, less concerned with semantics than her partner, "they'd talk about the elite level fighters like they were gods. I mean, I was just doing it to pay for college. Those guys lived and breathed…"

Pam trailed off as realization hit her. Eyes widened to a comical size as she gaped at the warrior leaning against the wall by the playpen full of babies. "Hot damn. No wonder no one's infiltrated this place."

"What?" Cyril scoffed, waggling eyebrows at Vegeta. "Him?"

Ray rolled his eyes. "Cyril, he could kill you with a pinky- _your_ pinky."

"Fifty different ways," Pam added.

"Blindfolded," Gohan piped up.

"Mmm…" Cheryl shuddered, eyes rolling back in ecstasy. "Sploosh."

* * *

 **. O .**

Leaving was a simple matter of Bulma opening up the double doors leading out to their ample private patio, popping open an air car capsule, and everyone piling inside. Friend, foe, and baby alike, they cleared the hotel and were buzzing back to Capsule Corporation with far less fuss than Chi Chi expected.

"For the last time, Chi Chi, it's fine," Bulma reassured her as she piloted them along.

"No one's answering at home," Mrs. Briefs said, checking her cell phone before trying again. Behind her, Malory was doing the same.

"Nothing from any of the others, either," the woman muttered.

"If they're in the building, Dad or Vegeta may have set the call disruptors," Bulma said. "Now, I'm only _slightly_ worried about Trunks, which means you're probably freaking out about Gohan and Goten."

Bulma assessed the other woman in the rearview mirror, who was surprisingly calmer than she expected. Chi Chi gave her a look like she dared her to expect something different.

"While we're on this topic, why _haven't_ you freaked out yet?"

"Gohan will move heaven and earth to keep Goten and Trunks safe. And there certainly haven't been any signs of that happening... yet," Chi Chi said as she rubbed a hand over her face, focusing on her temples, "I've done what I can from here."

* * *

 **. O .**

"Uh... sir, how do you know so much about my dad?" Gohan asked Archer hesitantly.

"Your father was fairly well known when he was younger, Gohan," Dr. Briefs inserted without looking up from his work, his voice going soft. "Between his dealings with Red Ribbon and all the Budokais, he made quite a name for himself without even realizing it."

"He did?"

The doctor nodded and he and the boy shared a small, sad smile.

"Sure, everyone knows that Son Goku won the 23rd Budokai," Archer agreed. "He was one of the last people the Turtle Hermit supposedly took on as a student. I dreamed of training under the Turtle Hermit, I mean, assuming he was real. You know, I tried searching for his island once."

"Seriously?" Gohan asked, eyebrows disappearing under his bangs in surprise.

"Yeah. During my gap year. Didn't make it past the coast though… uh… got a bit sidetracked."

Pam snorted. "By hookers and booze, right?"

"Port towns know how to party," Archer agreed with a laugh. "Damn. I am feeling _fine!_ You guys should seriously consider marketing that rejuvenating bath thing."

"We're supposed to be stealing the specs to make it and everything else in here," Ray snarked.

"Oh. Right. So… uh… where are we on that?"

"Really, Archer, do you ever listen to what comes out of your mouth?"

"Only as much as I listen to what comes out of yours. And, let me reiterate for the umpteenth time, we need to bring phrasing back."

Archer stretched and looked around, eyes bright. "God, seriously, I need to let off some steam before I explode. Pam-"

"Now is not the time for a quickie, Archer-"

"-Fight me."

"What?" Pam questioned.

"What?" Archer echoed.

Ray and Vegeta both groaned, hands smacking shaking foreheads in tandem.

"There's got to be some sort of gym in this place with…" Archer gestured to Gohan.

"I don't live here."

"Oh. Then what are you doing here?"

"Did he not read my dossier?" Cyril asked Ray.

"Does he ever?"

* * *

 **. O .**

"So… if we're not finishing the mission, what _are_ we doing?" Archer whispered to Ray. "And how certain are you that we _can't_ finish the mission?"

Archer waggled his eyebrows and gave Ray one of those wholly Archer looks that usually preceded him pulling off some completely unbelievable feat. But this time Vegeta's dangerously alluring profile loomed large behind Archer, sobering any thoughts Ray had of a Hail Mary.

Some forces of nature, otherworldly or not, just weren't meant to be conquered.

"We're waiting for the others to get here," Ray reminded him quietly. "We're waiting, patiently and amenably, to lower the odds of further harm befalling any of us once they arrive."

"But how do you know Lana didn't accomplish her part of the mission? She could be on her way here right now, ready to spring us out on a hostage exchange."

Vegeta let out an amused snort, and Ray wondered exactly how much of the conversation he'd overheard from across the room. From the curious look Gohan was giving him, and Pam's concerned expression further down the table, he guessed everyone had heard everything.

"For the last time, son," the doctor reassured, returning to the table and his own bowl of food, "you don't have to fear for you lives today."

* * *

 **. O .**


	11. Chapter 11

. O .

Dr. Briefs leaned towards Cyril like he was heading a meeting with some of his engineers, "Go back and review your intel. There's been no recorded deaths on Capsule Corporation property during any attempted break-ins."

The doctor gave the group a cursory glance, not quite dismissing them before returning most of his attention to Gohan.

"You're old enough to know now, I think. Let me fill you in on a little secret, Gohan," Dr. Briefs said as he plucked another piece of chicken from his bowl. "Bulma was not the first one in this family to go searching for the Dragonballs."

"Really?"

"Really. Long before Bulma ever thought or even knew about them, I hunted them down. It was one of the major events that preceded my starting the company. I figured if I had the fortitude and wherewithal to track down the legendary objects, make any search tools I needed along the way, and not die in the process, then I'd be able to handle the roller coaster of small business ownership."

"Small business?" Cyril laughed. "Your company is leading about a dozen different industries globally."

"Scalable sustainability," the doctor demurred. "We didn't always used to be so large. The whole enterprise started in the backyard shed of my wife's and my first house.

"Anyways, Gohan, I made a wish, and trust the dragon's power," Dr. Briefs explained. "I don't worry about the future of the company, and not one of the major tech inventions has been compromised by outside forces. No assassination or kidnapping attempts have been successful."

"So let me get this straight," the loud one (Pam, was it?) ventured, "one of the largest tech companies in the world was started because its founder made a wish on a dragon like some sort of genie in a magical lamp and his alien bodyguard now keeps said company and family safe and prosperous?"

"More or less," Dr. Briefs confirmed.

"How long," Gohan, confused, glanced between the doctor and Vegeta, "how long has this been going on?"

"Vegeta's been on my payroll since about three days after he got here."

Gohan's eyes widened to saucers.

"I know not to pass up as good a thing as a highly skilled mercenary all but literally landing on my doorstep."

"But…"

"It's been mutually beneficial for all of us. Vegeta has put in the most time now, but all of Bulma's fighter friends have done a stint on my security team at one point or another, your father included."

"Dad worked for you?"

"For a few days, back when he was a teenager. It didn't suit him much, if you can imagine," the doctor said with a laugh. "Though he did successfully defend against the worst Red Ribbon attack on my company that I've ever faced."

* * *

. O .

"Holy purple blood of our timid young Kami, what the hell happened to this place?!" Bulma exclaimed, surveying the mess that was once her kitchen. Piles of chicken carcasses, rice cooker opened and half empty, dishes missing from the cabinets. It was a disaster area of Saiyan proportions.

"Well it wasn't Gohan," Chi Chi sniffed delicately, nudging their new acquaintances further into the room. "He had strict instructions to clean up after himself this week-"

"And you expect him to listen to you?" Malory asked, incredulous.

"Yes, of course."

Malory snorted and immediately hit the Briefs' bar, rummaging around for a glass. Mrs. Briefs shooed her to the table and poured her a generous glass of scotch before assembling the ingredients for what looked like a giant pitcher of mojitos.

"Better start getting used to disappointment," Malory replied with a sigh, sipping greedily from her newly acquired glass. "From those pictures, your boy looks like he's entering his teenage years and it's all downhill from there. First it'll be the sassy backtalk and ignored instructions, then the calls from boarding school about the all night raves and experimental sex positions, then the endless stream of hooker mistakes to clean up after."

Chi Chi and the Briefs exchanged a series of dumbfounded expressions. It was impossible to tell who was having a harder time imagining Gohan in any of the described scenarios.

"Are… are you serious?" Chi Chi voiced when her brain finally stopped short-circuiting.

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"Honestly?" Bulma replied. "It's kind of hard to tell."

* * *

. O .

Gohan sensed a very slight change in ki as he felt his mother and Bulma and others arrive on site and he breathed out a sigh of relief he didn't realize he'd been holding in. Vegeta shifted in his spot and nodded once to Gohan when he caught his gaze, giving him the okay to quietly slip out and away. The new group was making no attempt to be stealthy, he could hear them almost as well as he could sense them once he got out of the influence of the lab's shielding.

He rounded a corner and paused as several sets of footsteps drew nearer. On high alert, Gohan tensed, stopping just short of flipping into Super. Bulma was the first to enter the hallway, brow furrowing as she registered he wasn't Vegeta, but aside from that she appeared surprisingly unruffled. Under the circumstances, probably the best sign Gohan could ask for.

Two more unfamiliar woman followed close behind Bulma, one with her arm in a sling but still carrying a baby around Trunks' age, the other holding a tumbler of some sort of alcohol that she took a healthy sip from before waving his direction.

"That one must be yours," she said, glancing back at his mom as she finally stepped into view. "He has Sterling written all over him."

As the group drew ever closer, the older woman stage whispered to him conspiratorially, "Try not to give your mother too much trouble as you get older, alright, dear?"

The woman patted him on the shoulder and it took everything Gohan had to keep from flinching, whether from the actual touch or the knowledge he'd already given his mother several lifetimes' worth of trouble, he wasn't sure. "That's a good boy."

His mom drew him into a quick, relieved hug next before narrowing her own glare. "We'll talk later about the kitchen."

Gohan gulped.

"How was your day, darling?" Mrs. Briefs asked as she passed, bringing up the rear of the group, carefully balancing a large drink pitcher and stack of glasses.

No more or less confused than he had been all evening, Gohan could at least put together who _didn't_ belong. He sidled up just behind the unfamiliar trio. The baby caught sight of him, yet another new face, and reached out with a cheerful gurgle.

"Be a dear, Gohan, and help Lana out," Mrs. Briefs said from behind him. The woman holding the baby glanced back and sized him up with a surprisingly discerning stare, the likes of which Gohan didn't usually see outside of a fight.

"He's great with kids, no need to worry," Mrs. Briefs reassured. And Gohan found himself watching over a curious little girl, who chattered happily as she squirmed in his hold, vying for as many different vantage points as possible while they entered the lab.

Vegeta rolled his eyes but beckoned Gohan over, relinquishing his protection of the babies. Probably for the best now that a third had been added to the mix. The prince immediately took up position by Bulma, with careful attention to stay within defending distance of the doctor. The balance was still off though, as Gohan counted up the spread of opponents, decidedly human that they were. In the relatively close quarters of the lab, things could get messy, quickly.

Or, at the very least, _messier_.

It had just been that kind of night.

* * *

. O .


End file.
